I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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