you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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