How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
