I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
