apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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