HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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