I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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