2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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