I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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