Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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