i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
