Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
