I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
