Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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