I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
