My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
