its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize