We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
