I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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