gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
