Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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