She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
