My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
