Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
