We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
