I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
im holly from the hills drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
