sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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