my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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