New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
