Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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