Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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