So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
