you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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