to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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