at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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