Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
