Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
