I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
