I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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