There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
