I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
