you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I checked into jail on foursquare
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
