She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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