weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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