Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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