drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
