Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I did not marry a roomba.
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