Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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