Kiss
Puke
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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