My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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