I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
