An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
