my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
