forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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