Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
