3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
