Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
