your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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