my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
