im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
