did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
