Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
