dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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